Cutting Ties

since tm and i made the split ive been doing some soul searching...and that searching made me hunting for the answer at the bottom of the bottle. but how many bottles would i have to go through just to find that answer??

i needed an escape and thank god candace embraced me with open arms as i came out of baggage claim at RNO. i knew this weekend was something i was in desperate need of: new scenery, an unbiased friend, and the chance to go through the past few years in my head and aloud to someone who has been a great friend just absent on the minor issues. come speaking on problems brought me to getting blacked out drunk every night i was there. saw many of empty bottles but never felt any better. i got to see south tahoe and take in the mountain crisp air and enjoy the beauty of the blue clean lake before we headed into a casino where the drinking would continue.

i got back home and decided i needed a change. hangovers were no longer compliments. binge drinking made me look desperate. so as i got off the plane back in LAS the only person i wanted to pickme up from that trip was TM...i didnt call him tho, and we hadnt spoken in three weeks. QB picked me up from the airport and i was finally home. i left my suitcase in the middle of my living room plopped on my couch and did what i had been waiting for...i cried...and not just a teary eyed cry but a total sob. [thankfully neither one of my roommates had been home i needed to be alone and start off the week with a cleanse.] i took a shower, unpacked my suitcase, and curled into bed with penny [my puppy] to watch mrs. doubtfire.

monday morning i came to work and thankfully my coworker was back from maternity leave and things would be more calm and relaxing for me. tuesday i did it..i contacted TM and asked that hed return my belongings and id do the same...i was ready to get his stuff out of my house, i was done with sleeping in his clothes. we made arrangements via text that i would stop by after he got out of class. he called when he had gotten home and seeing his number come across the caller id made my heart drop but i was ready. i headed over, handed him his things, and he invited me in. he had my things in a small pile and asked if he could play me a song. i told him i didnt have the time and i needed to get back home. he started playing anyway. that stupid guitar that reeled me in two and a half years ago...yah that one...it was back but i left that night knowing i wasnt ready for things to end...it was still there. he sent me a text shortly after i arrived home saying, "lets get together tomorrow night? you know to talk?" yes...i agreed.

wednesday i put on my game face and looked up everything i needed to for school. which im totally ready for! so i go in this upcoming week and take my placement tests for the 3rd time...im really going to college this time so i wont have to take these damn things again! i went to tm's and from there we went to his best friend's house to celebrate his birthday with him, from there we went back to tm's to watch a movie which i fell aleep 10 minutes into as usual. after the movie was over he tucked me into bed...haha yes i stayed the night for the first time in a month with him and it wasnt regrettable at all.

thursday we woke up and laid in bed talking about nothing really of importance and shortly past 930 i had to leave to take care of a puppy. he asked me to spend the day with him at the golf course and i told him i would let him kno. i got home a realized i had nothing planned all day but laundry and house cleaning...all that could be placed on hold until friday. so i showered and called tm and told him i was available. i spent the whole day at the course with him being his caddy and driving the golf cart! it was a nice relaxing day...a day where i could continue thinking of my future and where it will take me. i went home after golfing and went to dinner with a past fling that had just moved back to town...long story short...he was a complete asshole, told me i was a snob and stuck up...ummm ok! his credit card was declined and i went back to tm's right after dinner. tm and i had a cheap date night of walking around walmart at midnight for one thing...super glue to fix my glasses. we wandered the baby items, the music and movies, cameras and ipods, furniture and dishes, bed sets and towels, sporting goods and toys, and we ended our adventure in hardware getting glue admiring the 15 colors of ducktape walmart has to offer! after we left i had asked tm if he had ever seen the castle...he hadnt so i showed him my favorite house in the whole valley and it was for sale!!! $2.9 million dollars! we talked on the way home about things of importance like what kind of house we wanted when we grew up, how appreciative we are we didnt grow up coming from money but from middle class hard working parents. if we wanted kids...and although i adore my nieces and he adores his nieces and nephews i think i said it best..."the more my friends have kids, the more i love my dogs." he agreed, we are spontanious, adventurous people putting any amount of settlement on us would be insane. back to his house we went where we would fall asleep in each others arms again.

friday when we woke up we laid in bed til noon...yes i actually didnt peel away from a bed until noon granted i was wide awake at 830am. it was nice to just lay in bed watch the news and enjoy each other until mars...his 90lbs year old golden retriever's ears perked and he was on the bed and between us in .5 seconds. thats when i realized what i said was true...a dog will sleep until they start hearing you stir, they can take care of themselves aside from letting them out and feeding them, they are always excited to see you, they cant talk back and regardless of how old they get they still wont have an attitude and hate you for having to punish them. i went home to let penny and famous run amuck the house while i cleaned and did laundry. it was a nice week. and this night i will begin cutting everyone off that is negative and that doesnt fit into my future.

ohh 2010 please treat me better! and heart...dont fall anymore...stay just where you are. because right here...im content!

One Week and One Day

i have found out mr stratosphere is not the same good christian boy with morals and close to his familty like i remembered. but i have had a lot to take in...

the night i cancelled on dinner with him he went out with heather...yes his exgf the one before me...and ummm...

he proposed to her.

he is still living in florida. still in the military. married. and has a little boy.

he isnt happy and he is bored.

so he wants me...the girl who he ruined over my name. to come visit him in florida, to show him a good time,to party...something i did he couldnt tolerate. and then for me to give up my life here and eventually move there because he wants so badly to leave his wife and work things out with me...but only if there was something there for us...he became a liar and a cheater...how??

it scary to think that as you grow and change...someone is growing and changing too and not always in a good way.

The Next Few Months

began what i now recognize as emotional suicide.

he was perfect...

...so i thought and so i hoped. mr stratosphere had recently been left by his first love, heather; the girl who will forever be in his heart. heather and i share the same name, both dark brown hair, and blue eyes. blah blah blah and he couldnt see past that just yet. so we hung out...everyday. everyday i would get off work and rush to his house spending hours with him. my days off, i woke up picked up breakfast and coffee and would spend the whole day with him.

i would do anything just to spend time with him. the further he pushed me away the harder i fell until one day he broke plans with me so i turned to my girlfriends for the booze and trouble i had been craving and had been missing out on. to his surprise he got a belligerent, kind of rude girl on the other end when he had called to say goodnight. somehow he convinced me to let him come pick me up and he would return me to my car in the morning.

he picked me up and took me home making sure i didnt need anything. the next morning i woke up to the smell of breakfast, in an empty bed with advil and a bottle of water on the side table. i pulled the white down comforter up and reached for the hangover cure i needed. finally i got out of the bed and escaped to the bathroom where i could gather my composure. while i was washing my face he came behind me and placed his hands on my hips, kissed my neck, and told me good morning. shortly i joined him for breakfast, makeup less, my hair thrown into a messy pile on top of my head, in a tank top and shorts. we made small talk of last night and what i had done with my friends and then he got in depth of when he came and picked me up and the condition i was in...and then the next 10 minutes were completely brutal. we had sex for the very first time that night and i didnt even remember. he yelled and told me to leave with no car i had to call my sister to come pick me up and take me to my car.

the next few weeks to cope were to drown the emotions with more liquor. and finally after 22 days of no commuication or attempted communication he showed up at my work with a coffee and requested i take my break right then before he changed his mind. and i walked outside with him where i fought the tears and listened to his words of hurt and forgiveness and my response to him were four short words: "its too late now."

i walked back inside of work a little down but kind of relieved and for the next four days the flowers came and endless phone calls and voicemails begging for me to forgive him...me forgive him?? i didnt have to...he did nothing wrong, he was reacting on a horrible situation that i put him in. i needed him to forgive me and he had but i chose the rebellious life beacuse one, id never be more than i was to him...not until he was ready to grow up and get over a name. and two, it made me numb and forget what it was to feel.

two months later i received a card in the mail that read, "hello love. i enlisted in the military, i need to leave and find myself and this is the only way i knew how. i leave for bootcamp tomorrow. im sorry i didnt say goodbye. you will always be on top of my world. always, mr stratosphere." [yes of course i still have that card.] tears fell immediately with the hello love. it was torture. his phone shut off. i wouldnt be in contact for a while with him. i continued my path down party lane where soon id meet sailor boy...and fall madly in love. two days before i moved to san diego to be with sailor boy i received a call from a restricted number i answered it and then dropped the phone to the floor. it was mr stratosphere two weeks short of a year since that card. we made small talk i spoke about my current plans and his location in florida. he asked i move there and be with him...to make it work...i denied his request and he notified me hed be deploying soon and he would call when he was safely returned to the states a whole year later. we said our goodbyes and sent our best wishes.

i moved and fell out of love shortly after and had returned back to the good ol las vegas. i was at home when i logged into my myspace account and saw i had a message from mr s. i read of the great news that he was alive and well and he would be returning very soon and his first stop was vegas. i happily told him how i would love to see him and things didnt work out for me in san diego so i was back in vegas and he told me hed see me soon.

well i never heard anything back from him again for a few weeks when my mom called me and told me something had been dropped off for me at her house and i needed to come get it NOW. i loaded up my two year old niece and jetted the 10 mins in a hurry to see what the package was i walked into her house and immediately became breathless; there he was sitting in her front room in his air force blues. i smiled and cried [yet again] and hugged him, he couldnt stay long but he wanted to see me and take me to dinner the following night...i had agreed and we went our seperate ways.

i had to cancel our dinner plans because my niece had come down with the flu [her mom was out of town for a hair show] and the babysitter bailed. he reassured me hed come see me and my new house before he left...and he didnt...and in fact...he wont contact me for two years.

Welcome Back Mr Stratosphere.

and good luck heart...we can make it through this.

a little blast from the past came along last week when i got a text message from a 850 areacode that read: "hello pretty lady how i hope this finds you well...thought of our first date and how gorgeous you looked. i miss you...xoxo." i cried...in fact i sobbed i didnt need the confirmation that it was from him...i already knew; it was my mister wonderful...the guy who was the first to ever ruin me.

please meet mr stratosphere.

i was a raging rebel at 18 years old. the day before my 18th i had gotten my nipples pierced, the day of my nose, and the day after...my first tattoo.i drank constantly. it was the thing to do. i still lived at home with my parents so my little paychecks were spent on booze and the life style of a vegas girl. i met mr stratosphere shorty after this decision to live free and mighty. he was a couple years older, handsome, strong chirstian boy, with great morals that came from a wonderful family. The kind of picture perfect guy that wouldnt tolerate the rebellious me.

our first date...we met at starbucks in the afternoon, grabbed coffee, and took off from there to go to the stratosphere hotel and casino to hang out up at the top and over look our city. he opened doors for me, held my hand, wanted to learn about, and then he took me on what i thought would be the end of our lives. theres a ride im not sure what it is called but it teeter totters off the side of the stratosphere tower...scary...he let me death grip his hand while he laughed at the screams of terror that escaped what he calls my perfectly pouty lips.

we laughed and learned so much about each other. we headed down from the tower and I ran into the restroom. when i came out, seeing him gave me butterflies...that was when i knew he was the man i needed. we laughed more and sang the entire way back to my car. when we got there he told me "go home and get dressed for dinner"..."we have reservations at 7!". i hurried home and squeeled about him to my mom and told her about the day and what he had said upon dropping me off. my hair and make up was done and a gorgeous green dress was zipped up black heels strapped on. and i was ready to go. he showed up shortly after 6:30pm in a suit and tie with that charming smile and flowers. i giggled the whole way there asking where we were going to go to dinner but it was a surprise he claimed. we showed back up at the stratosphere and had told me while i walked away to go to the restroom he never wanted to see me walk away again and he made dinner reservations at top of the world while i was in the restroom.

it was perfect...the kind of date you should have in your mid 20's not when you are 18 and not at prom. we saw the valley from every angle in the rotating restaurant and after a delicious dinner we headed back to his car where we would retire to his house for a few hours after. when we arrived he gave me a t shirt and sweat pants so i could be more comfotable and out of a dress and heels. we watched a movie that night...but i couldnt tell you what it was we spent that entire time talking, learning, and laughing about everything. it was getting late around 2am and i needed to be returned home for work early in the morning. and when he pulled up to my house, he walked me to the door and when his lips touched mine...there was a shock and we laughed.

the night i knew my life was about to change.

The End

and just like that its over...you walk away with your heart a little bruised but your head held high because in the end you were the better person; you made the effort.

SUCKER

is what im getting tattooed on my forehead...

blah!

my weakness has always been caring too much.

Wedding Crasher!!!

First and foremost...congratulations to Jess and Josh on getting hitched this past weekend in Phoenix!

Second and not as important...TM bailed on the trip two hours prior to leaving and as I had to do to many friends of mine...I pinky promise from across the country...its over...for good. I havent cried yet...and hopefully I wont.

Just as we had planned we went back to where we first met eight years ago on the football field of our old high school. We celebrated the homecoming game with other alumni as well as the current students of chs. After the game I dropped TM off to his house to pack or rather to "pack" but instead he didnt want the party to stop even though it was 1030pm and we were leaving four and a half hours later. So off he went with the boys to drink excessively and become the biggest asshole known to man kind. I didnt hear from him...so I left. On two hours of sleep I fled the state and took on the journey of driving five hours by myself to witness the beginning of Mr and Mrs Josh Martinez.

I arrived at the hotel and first thing the front desk girl said was..."You are here for the wedding right?? Do you have a 2nd party??" I quickly answered with a yes and no and fought back the frustrated tears that I had been fighting the whole drive. i dropped my things and plopped on my bed then sent out my mass text of arrival sans TM. Sam was the first to respond, thankfully, insisting i havent seen her in eight years and we needed to do lunch asap so I could spill the details of why boy wasnt here. I showered and finally was able to doze off for 30 minutes before it was time for me to get presentable and meet up with Sam.

At lunch Sam and I summed up the past eight years of our lives of this boy and this boy and well...this boy too. We laughed and threw back a bottle of wine. And before we knew it time had ran out and I needed to get back to the hotel to get ready for the wedding. After running into the lobby I ran into the bride and bridal party Jess' eyes filled up I gave her a hug and sent her on her way it was her big day and she didnt need to cry before doing so.

An hour of fussing with my hair and make up I was dressed and ready to go. I arrived with ten minutes to spare of hellos and how are yous and oh my gosh I havent seen you in forever you look great! The wedding site was absolutely gorgeous! The weather was perfect for an outdoor wedding, warm but crisp. The trees were illuminated with white lights, with sounds of birds chirping all around. I took my seat next to Casey and we caught up quickly over the past three years of absence before the music began. The wedding party was spectacular and flawless; I turned to look up at Josh and he stood there nervously awaiting his bride. As she turned the corner whispers and sobs were heard of just how gorgeous she was. And gorgeous isnt even a good enough word to describe how spectacular she looked.

The ceremony was beautiful and they were thrilled! I made my way to the bar for an hour of open bar for the guests before we all descended to the dining room. I met and socialized with many of the people before grabbing my name card and heading to the dining room. Table #9 while everyone one I knew was at table 10. But I met and made friends with everyone at 9 and before I knew it I was being passed a bottle of scotch. Such bad news especially because I had already I cant even remember glasses of wine. I was just trying to forget that the seat next to mine was empty. I met a boy we will call Texas and his friend that I dont remember what to call. And for most of the night we danced and luaghed and soon before anyone would notice I snuck out and retired back to the hotel where I'd be accompanied later. ;)

I'm glad TM didnt go. I seriously had a great time! And he makes it easier for me to walk away! He is such a tool.

Because you may need it...

a night in the ghetto.

why we tend to have eventful nights 30 minutes from our middle class homes and lifestyle to escape to the slums of las vegas and still have a fantastic time always gets me.

tm and i went bowling at the silver nugget friday night. the casino has been opened since 1964 and really is not in even a good part of town. but we thought it would be an exciting adventure cause as tm reminds me "babe, we do ghetto really well."

walking into an old smoke filled fog of a casino we started to question if this is where we wanted to be, i mean the sign out front driving up said $6.99 for a 12 oz steak and 5 jumbo shrimp. we walked into the bowling alley grabbed our shoes which looked like they had been around since 1964 grabbed a ball and set up our lane. tm went and grabbed beers... this was going to be epic.

i bowled like shit but broke my record of 50 and got a 58 the first round! and by the second round the buzz had started to kick in and i scored an 81! by this time we became more aware of our environment, the bowling attendant super nice, but we realized the bowling alley was her child care service. our favorite to watch were girls about 6 and 8 shaking what their mama gave them, and we knew who they got their moves from. but these girls put beyonce to shame! they were fantastic dancers!

we finished up our forth beer and decided we should probably head home or towards that way. we put up our balls turned in our shoes and walked back to the car when all of a sudden

"hey baby do you have a brotha??" was shouted in our direction. tm turned around and laughed said no and then to my attention got a "cause he sho did just open that car door for you girrrrl. you best keep him around!" we laughed. in fact, we laughed the whole way home.

things are going great and we are totally excited! six days and a wake up until we are on vacation in phoenix. oh how we cant wait!

p.s. tm met my little brother for the first time last night!!! ohhh how things are looking up.

The Way You Make Me Feel.

TM and i are perfect again...perfect in the sense of we are better than we have ever been and getting ready for our mini vaca together has had its up and down moments. such as when he ignored my calls because my emotional pms bullshit is too hard to deal with for even myself this weekend i told him id be in touch when i got back from phoenix. he fought the idea and of course, he won. hes still going with me! and we spent the next three hours looking up golf courses online. [something for him to do saturday morning while i go have brunch and shop with the girls for a few hours] im totally looking forward to this.

monday night i felt it...felt really how i feel about this kid and i have never been so giddy. we watched the cowboys pummel the panthers at his best friends house and then we went on to his. i stripped down and put on one of his tshirts and climbed into bed next to him and it started...the passion we once had was back...we were both finally able to focus on each other and not be preoccupied with other things on our minds...it was us...like it used to be before the problems started. he started to rub my neck and shoulders then started to kiss my lower back. i was putty in his hands. every touch sent chills throughout and made the butterflies flutter rapidly. i dont remember much more as my head got really light headed...but words werent exchanged, they didnt have to be. all i kno is i woke up in his arms tuesday morning and the feelings were real, i hadnt been dreaming. 'good morning gorgeous,' he said and he pulled me in for a kiss before he escaped to the shower and i laid there in the dark silence wondering when he will finally make something more of this.

going on our very first mini vaca is the first of a few with only two months left in the year. jess and josh's wedding in phoenix in only a week and a wake up, we have a trip to the mountains for his 25th birthday in novemeber, another wedding in december, and hopefully the day after christmas until new years spent any where but here. but it will be what sets the stone with us. i feel as if my heart breaks everyday and im not sure if i can deal with it much longer. make it or break it...wish me luck!

Some how i knew...

...this would happen again.

the distance we seem to place before us after things get comfortable and we start easing into something steady and serious...one of us freaks out and backs off. this time it was me, not him.

im half way convinced i did it first because i didnt want to feel the pain of him doing it again to me...but what if...what if i just blew everything and he wasnt going to back down this time. the other half of me...think i subconciously did it because hes killing me slowly.

this is how it went about...

we were having a great time...everyone met at my house and as the girls were finishing up their last touches on their hair and make up [the girls were totally bro shopping that night] i was found in the kitchen slamming back shots of whiskey with TM and his best friend. i rallied everybody in the living room said good bye to the doggies and the eight of us were off to the watch the lv 51s pummel fresno in the last dollar beer night game of the season.

since TM and i arent "officially together" i was wing man to the girls as they made their rounds between innings of the game. we tend to do our own thing when we are with such a large group. finally it was my turn to sit and enjoy the game i made friends with people who sat in the next section but by this time...my memory starts mushing together. we left by the 8th inning becuse beer wasnt being sold anymore and to beat the traffic. we headed to a dive bar around the corner from my house and i was exhausted and wanted to go home. thats when i realized the distance i had put between TM and i...[we were never the hold hands show any type of affection to each other when we were out with our friends...its just something we dont do so others arent uncomfortable or feel like a third wheel party.] we were the last ones to go into the bar because i fought the idea...1 TM had to be up at 4am and it was already 1030pm and 2 i was just exhausted. he grabbed my hand and pulled me kicking and screaming and thats when i blurted "im moving to san diego the day after christmas stop holding my hand!!" [insert whole leg here] the look he gave me i knew i had just ruined a wonderful night and everything. he threw his hands up and said "FINE! GO!" defeated i walked into the bar shortly after him ordered a beer and sat quietly next to him. finally everyone agreed it was time to go we said our goodbyes to the people staying and then there was four of us. when we got back to my house there was no doubt in my mind TM wasnt staying he gave me a hug and a kiss in the cheek said "goodbye and thanks" and i muttered..."drive safe i love you."

the next day i shot him a text "sorry about the whole sd thing...i didnt mean for you to kno its not a for sure thing yet..." his response "fine heather, its cool...go." and since then its been dry...weve barely spoke. maybe this is a good thing...the only thing really making me want to keep this going is this wedding we have coming up in october that weve already rsvp'd for, the arrangements and plans are already set and paid for. if it werent for that i think id let him go completely...its a battle ive lost, my fault or not...i think its been over for awhile.

my mistake, i didnt want to be in love...it just happened.   

One down...a lot more to go.

ok if you have read any of my blogs you might have figured out im a little crazy.

IM STILL SEEING TM. [hahaha trust me...i kno]

i dont kno what it is or why it is but its still happening...although we seem to be doing better than ever and seem to be connecting on a level thats a little shakey for both parts.

anyway so last night was the first time tm got to meet my best friend heath and i was meeting heath's new lady friend as well. [heath and michele hosted a ufc 102 party.] anxiety was through the roof majority of the day yesterday. heath knos almost everything about mine and tm's dysfunctional relations...especially the bad shit. so i was nervous someone was going to have one too many beers and it was going to end brutal.

michele...love her and she seems to be good for my best friend...i was a nervous wreck hoping she would like me. none of his previous gf's have ever even tried to like me and i never really understood why. over all success! i gave them my blessing and we continued to drink.

tm and heath hit it off! i was so glad and i accidently got really wasted...from the nerves im guessing ha. we laughed, ate some great food, had quite the conversation, which included tm saying we were kinda boyfriend/girlfriend to a couple that also attended the event, such a great night. we left after the final bout as we were walking out tm shouted back towards michele and heath...'thanks for everything lets all get together again soon.' i was shocked!

you see im the type of girl that you have to be super important to meet my family and my best friend. [the only guy i have dated that has met either one was sailor boy.] tm pushes the issue he really wants to meet my family blah blah blah...i tell him to make some sort of commitment to me and we would discuss this. nothing. so he still has yet to meet the fam. i consider heath apart of my family...so this was really a big deal to me. im so glad it went smoothly...who knos maybe this christmas he will be invited to spend it with my parents like i did with his the previous.

but lets not rush anything just yet...we still have a wedding to attend in october where he will meet my san diego friends...im kind of liking this progress!

is it running if im only going back??

im not really sure where my head has been since the last time i wrote...but i kno its been practically every where analyzing everything that has come of my life over the past three years.

you see...three years ago i was madly in love with sailor boy and at the young naive age of 19; running away from the only place i had known [vegas] to san diego to follow my heart...not listen to my head or anyone elses thoughts or advice. we were in love...the kind of love that was insane, inconvenient and completely at the wrong time in both of our lives. he was a navy boy that dreaded work everyday...not because he wasnt proud to be serving in the us navy but because of the schedule that came with it...long hours, a week at home, then anywhere from one week to over a month underway. i complained and i threw fits when it came time for him to leave again which never made the situation any better for him. but i was young, selfish, and alone in an amazing city. i started to work for the marriott shortly after his first underway to make friends...and i did i made some of the most amazing friends i will ever have. [even though we only see each other every couple years...its totally worth it to see everyone together again.] we started to grow apart as i became less dependent on him and more independent. i wasnt sitting in an empty apartment every night sending long detailed emails...my emails were sent from work and id check them regularly on my cell while not at work. sending back short replies until the next time i was sitting at my desk from work. those emails never changed they were still long and detailed...just about the friends i had made and the activities i was in to keep my mind off and out of the empty apartment we shared.

he broke my heart shortly there after. he was gone for three weeks in december and was to return home four days prior to christmas. this time of year was tough on me...this would have been my first christmas away from my parents and my first one with the love of my life. i needed it to be perfect and go smoothly. a couple selfish fits during this time made us grow apart further. it was to be our christmas together and everybody wanted to try and make the best of it...when i had everything planned and under control. i spent almost all of my time at this alone in our festively decorated apartment with our new addition to the family...baxter...our weiner dog! and as my emails got longer the shorter his got.

i had been awaiting this day before he even left this time. i didnt want him to go but was so glad hed be home days before christmas. the night before he came home i made everything was spotless and perfect all laundry completely done. [basically i was up until 3am ironing his jeans and polos that had sat in a laundry basket for three weeks.] had to be up at 6am and at work by 7am that same morning and felt anxiety for majority of the day and the clock wouldnt move fast enough for me. at noon i got the call..."hey baby we pulled in...i should be off work in about an hour...ill see you when you get off work i love you." getting home seemed to take forever i hit every liht red and traffic seemed to be slower and more backed up as usual. i flew up the stairs and flew open the door and was greeted by baxter...i gave him a treat and there he was...standingin the doorway with a look ill never forget but i ignored anyhow because i was so excited for him to be home. i jumped up into his arms and kissed him...the butterflies were still there like the first time...only i hadnt realized that while he was gone he had fallen out of love with me.

"we need to talk," he said while he let me down and pulled away from me. that look...ill never forget it...and the fear i felt ill never forget. "ok let me get out of my work clothes...and can we make it quick?? i want to get atleast a catnap in before we go to dinner..." i said as i walked into our bedroom, "...dinner reservations are at 730." i changed into sweats and a hoodie taking my time trying to avoid this whole thing. i walked out of our bedroom with baxter at my feet tying my hair up into a messy bun. i sat on the couch next to him his head held down as heasked if i was happy. "of course im happy im so glad you are home we have so much to do these next few days and dont forget we are going to my parents the first weekend of the new year," i replied. "no are you happy with us," he finally looked up. "yah im really happy i love you...are you??" "no," he said, "im not happy anymore." i got up and told him id start packing my things...devastated i didnt start to cry until reality hit...i have to move back home, i have to quit my job, i have to say goodbye to the awesome friends i have here, and the worst of it all ill never wake up to him again. of course sadness turned into anger, quickly infact. in five hours i had my heart slaughtered, quit an amazingly fun job, had my car packed and notified my mother that i was coming home...for christmas...and for good.

a week ago, i went back to that place where i fell in love and had my heart broken for the first time. and to no surprise it still feels like home to me...not necessarily our home we built there together, but my home where i feel safe and comfortable the chill and mellow life style of san diego. i sat on the beach many times during this trip where we had sat late at night wishing on airplanes and relived the life we had. the life i adored. i miss it everyday. i miss him every second of everyday.

im moving back. its not his home anymore hes moved back to phoenix...i need to move back and continue my life there. this destructive life i lead in vegas is tiring.

"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real--but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

-Chuck Klosterman

The End of Toolman

sad story i wont have anything to write about for quite sometime...but thats ok...i need to be busy doing other things rather than blogging my love life...well maybe.

so TM and i are so done its ridiculous. ive never ever have seen someone treat another in ways that are embarrassing and hurtful.

story time...

tuesday...i met TM at his house and then we took off to a show i had gotten comped tickets for in not the most classiest location on the las vegas blvd but whatev. we saw ignite...which as a new production goes...has some minor flaws and needs some work. after the show we swang by popeyes so TM could eat. and then we went back to his house and i passed out right away then woke up around 1ish in the morning and well we shagged. i got up in the am and left to go to work. leaving him with smitten like kisses.

thursday...one of my fav bands fourwayfree played at the house of blues in mandalay bay and TM liked them too. so we went to dinner at pizza by the slice and enjoyed a pizza for him and a greek salad for myself. we still had time to spare so we went to vegas top makeout spot and watched the airplanes land at mccarran. he explained the building of terminal three project and we giggled made out a little and then headed to the hob. middle of 4wf's set TM decides he is tired and yes makes me leave kicking and screaming like a 3 yr old [in my head only]. he takes me home drops me off a kiss and sweet dreams and i was out of his truck straight to bed to pout...ok i called my bff to bitch about TM making me leave.

friday... i had a girls night with QB and LD swimming relaxing drinking wine and getting them set to go to the lake the following morning with TM. well i decided it would be my best interest to call in to work and enjoy one nice summer day out on the lake with everyone...so i did. 

saturday...TM shows up around 830am saturday morning loading up the boat as i bustled around and made sure niecey poo was ready to go as was everyone else. finally we get a moment in the craziness to say good morning and hug...and i pull away...and you will never fucking believe this...he had hickeys that looked like he had been beat with a baseball bat. no shit right?? well i asked what happened to his neck he said it was just one of those nights. and i left it at that...whatever...im going on your boat dickwad we will talk about this later kind of plan. and then in the lake on the boat he takes his shirt off...and this asshole has scratch marks all down his back haha wow right...oh it gets better. LD said wow dude those are going to scar why would you let a girl do that to you?? his response....idk but it was awesome...hands down the best sex ive ever had!!!!! what the fuck. he just said that in front of a grip of people that kno weve been dating on and off [without the titile] for two years now...the nerve. needless to say i was a shit show party of one...vodka in the sun does a number on a person.

and we are officially done...im over it. its not worth it anymore. i got my girls and our single girl swagg...watch out vegas...its going to get rowdy.

Lovey Dovey...bullshit.

i was so close to letting you go mr. toolman...i met a guy who caught my eye. but he wasnt you.

i cant be proud of anything he does because he does nothing. hes not a hard worker and doesnt use his brain like you do and that freaks me out.

he doesnt golf...nor do i...but i really like going to the course with you for 6 hours on a sunday watching you do what you enjoy doing.

he doesnt snowboard and has no desire to learn...so i wouldnt get to go with someone i cared about or get to meet someone at the bottom of the mountain in the emergency room after a boys trip and you got hurt showing off...shockingly...i look forward to hearing about your guys trips...hurt or not.

he doesnt play the guitar or any instrument...in fact he doesnt have a passion of music and new non main steam music like you have now passed on as a gift to me. and missing out on hearing you play your latest song or a song you learned wouldnt be the same for you or i...because no one appreciates and listens like i do.

he doesnt participate in triatholons...he actually spends his days training in the gym just trying to get bigger for looks.

he doesnt want to meet my friends...when you love my friends and take my best friend and her signifiant other out on the lake with you to wakeboard and enjoy the hot summer days...even when im at work and cant tag along.

he isnt respectful of other peoples interests as you are...hes super closed minded and dreadfully obnoxious.

he isnt spontanious...if plans go sour he doesnt kno how to go with the flow and accept it and make a new night on seconds of notice like we do.

you being terrified of commitment and after two years of off and on...id rather sleep holding hands with you and dealing with your commitment issues than do anything with anyone else.

and...

"id rather fight with you...than make love to anyone else"

dear god im smitten.

GAAAHHHHH

thank you for fucking paying me to sit in an office on memorial day weekend for eight hours a day with nothing to do.

im reading fmylife.com. and watching the wind blow while everyone else is bbqing and swimming...even you!! so thank you once again for paying me to do nothing!

next holiday...you should do it!

Just Another Day

ahhh! tomorrow is my 22nd birthday and the 11th anniversary of my grampa's death. and i have mixed feelings. tomorrow my mom is throwing me a surprise birthday party...[that my aunt ruined for me last night...so i kno about it] and its the only the second birthday party i have had since i was 11. the first was a small sweet 16th with half of my family and well an hour of their time. and this year in attendance will be that same half.

ive never wanted to throw a party even tho, a great point celebrating my life...but thats also a day i [we] mourn the death of my best friend, my grampa. so i never wanted to be a burden to people to decline an event. since this day has disappeared from everyones calendars slowly the phone calls dropped one by one as the years went on, the birthday cards stopped coming in the mail etc.

my grampa and i were close...super close. as in my birthday was his half birthday as his birthday is my half birthday and we had always shared it as so. thats why i was so glad when i met sailor boy a few years ago...his birthday happened to be my half birthday and it wasnt replacing my grampas but it was nice to get to share that again with someone especially someone who had meant so very much to me and who understood what it meant to me.

ahh what the hell. a day of tanning, then the cemetary visit, followed by a mini spa day....its something to look forward to.

Suicide.

its not about the cowardness or the selfishness but about the pain an individual feels that they cant see past it.

RIP Parker Longmire 06.07.1987-04.06.2009

i love and miss you.

im completely a sucker for a boy with a guitar.

what an amazing week i have had.

tool man came over wednesday night to see my new puppy and he brings a surprise. now let me remind you...by his choice...we are just friends. and his surprise just happens to be his stupid guitar. the stupid thing that won my heart over a couple years back on our first date. it was cute...coffee shop, good conversation, him and i on his tailgate while he played a song he had written about me...so cliche and cheesey right?? i kno. but i fell for it anyway.

so tm came over we watched the tail end of beverly hills chihuahua that my roommate was watching && we still had a half hour before american idol started so he pulls out this dreaded thing. and the first song he plays just so happens to be jason mraz...one of my favorite artists and one i had introduced him to. really...he had to learn a song of his. and it just so happened to be "im yours." instantly my heart melted and all feelings came rushing back to me. ugh. then he played rise against "swing life away" and like five others that he had written that i had heard previously. we discussed the upcoming concerts and such and committed to go with each other.

so we sat there and watched idol and saw who was sent home. he left shortly there after since he has to be up at 4am for work. we said our goodbyes and i watched him walk to his truck after a brief hug. i went back in and fought the tears, caught the 10pm news, then went to bed. i dont understand this guy at all.

so yesterday afternoon i find out a concert we had planned to attend was actually that night and not the following week like we had anticipated. so i send a quick text "heyyy, 3 doors down is tonight!!!"  he replied with a "you down to go?" of course i was...i wouldnt have mentioned it otherwise! so he came and picked me up at 6 and we took the 45 min journey across town to go watch the rock show. we got inside the resort the concert was being held at he grabbed my hand and asked if id be his gf for the night, i agreed with the request we broke up in the morning. once we got there we were informed the concert was cancelled due to strong wind and the fire marshall called it off.

it didnt take us very long to figure out what to do next...lets go to house of blues and see who is playing there tonight...keith anderson...stumped us both so we decided to cruise the strip and wing it...it was still pretty early. we made a pit stop at luv-its...an amazing home made custard place ran by one guy...its fabulous...and if you ever come to vegas...go there!! we shared our banana split and headed to the palace station for a comedy show. comedy show was great we laughed a lot and the comedians made us apart of their act. after the show tm wanted to gamble a bit lost it all so we went to the arcade. we played a few games and decided to head back to his place for a sleepover.

we woke up this morning to his 8 month old retriever between us both pushing us apart. so i got up, showered, and got ready for work all while he played his guitar...he knos that is the one thing that makes me weak in the knees. he took me to my house so i could head to work he pulled me in for a goodbye kiss and i jumped out of the truck. as i was driving into work this morning i sent tm a text that read, "thank you for a great night, but we forgot to break up this morning." his response..."hey have a great day at work. :)"

ugh the frustrations. i suppose its my fault for being a sucker for a boy with a guitar.

Keep on Breathing

I know what it is like to be the girl who has the hardest time getting out of bed in the morning because reality is the hardest thing to deal with when mending a broken heart.

All you want to do is pull the covers over your head and go back to dream land where you are content because its not real life. Not live the nightmare that was unexpected of which consumes your every move, thought, breath, and decision. You don't want to sit at your 9-5 job because you kno at any dull moment thoughts wrap around you with a million questions and unspoken words.

And you might spiral down...you might. I can't sit here and say you won't because chances are you will and you will hit rock bottom and it is going to suck but you have to deal. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help to pull you up when you crash. Your family is a great support but your girlfriends are the greatest because they are either going through it with you or have been through it. Granted they might not kno what to say because I still don't know the right things to say. Or for that matter know what I needed to hear. But just having someone there to curl up in bed next to you and snuggle and listen to you cry or pull you out of bed and take you out for a night of drinking and dancing to ease the pain and take your mind off of the heart ache.

Then when you wake up the next morning after the dancing, drinking, and laughing you will feel slightly better not 100% but you will feel slightly better. And several days later you might be right back to where you were fighting yourself to get out of bed to embrace the day. It might take a month to cure heartbreak or it might take years...but you can never stop breathing.

Your Greatest Fear...

... failing and letting people down.

my fear...

... you not trying hard enough to keep that from happening and giving up.

Hey boy heyyy.

what a weekend out of town.

a girlfriend of mine and i went down to phoenix to visit a good friend of mine before she leaves for london this summer and holy crap...arizona boys really have no shame.

its not that we are snobby vegas girls in the least but im sorry if you are so cocky in your own right that you think you can pull ass in a nightclub//bar scene looking like a sloppy mess and your mommy needs to dress you with your "wingman" so drunk he cant stand...think again...its not going to work.

learn how to handle your liquor and learn the cheesey pick up lines do not want to be heard. if we avoid eye contact while we are out with our girlfriends and can feel you staring...its because we arent interested. and im sorry i think i speak for most girls when i say...if im with my girlfriends having a great night...its a girls night we arent looking for a one night stand. im out with my girlfriends and not lookin to be hit on...unless of course you are godly looking and come with friends that look the same.

if you take anything from this gentlemen...if i tell you im a lesbian and introduce you to my "girlfriend" your stupid comments of "well can i watch?" arent funny and i only lied because again...you are a sloppy mess.

Fall Apart

We grew into love from lust. And then took that love and turned it into comfort. After a decision we made, far too emotional to speak on we turned that love and comfort into hate and regret. We are both dead inside, you more than I and I more than you will ever recognize. We live a life of regret because we know we could have been everything we spoke of.

Fall apart...we do it everyday.

Tool Man

Oh the introduction of Tool Man. He doesn't need his own introduction and by the time you get done reading this article you will see just why he's the "Tool Man" except...that is not why I've nicknamed him that.

I first laid eyes on TM from a distance when I was a middle school girl sitting in the stands of a high school football game that my sister was cheering at. He was the quarteback and did he have a nice butt in those pants, he also had an amazing arm. After the game I ran to the top of the stands to see the players jog off into the locker room and there he was blue eyed, tan, and buff...the sophomore junior varsity quarterback! I attended every game for the rest of the season with no hesitation.

I was later formally introduced to TM my sophomore year of high school [his senior year] and to my luck he was dating a friend of mine which meant he got to be my eye candy...though he really didnt know i existed. Long story short: He got prom king and graduated and went off to college in the Chicago, got engaged, and then got his heart broke and moved back home. All the while I finished high school, partied a bit, fell in love [with Sailor Boy], and moved to San Diego...which left me heart broken and right back in the city of sin...but thats another story.

So back in Vegas I was a raging underaged party girl just living life literally second by second. I'm standing in a bar with QB and look across a few beer pong tables and there he is...TM. [another short story TM was there with QB's now exfriend Evil Bitch who hates me...and she has every right I suppose.] With the liquid courage in me I waltzed up to him and and said "Wow long time no see, ____ _______." He looked confused and I reminded him who I was and we exchanged our how are yous and walked out of the bar and continued our converstaion about the present times over a cig and beer...because we had no past to reminisce on, really. 

Anyhow TM allowed Evil Bitch to corrupt this whole fantasy dating thing we had going on every chance she got. She filled his head with lies and some truths about my past. And finally a year and some odd days later of off and on crap with us he kicked her out of his life...what a relief right?? It was, for a short while. Infact it was pure bliss we had the best time and for once absolutely no drama! [for about two months]

We planned a night in for New Years Eve, he was to come over and I would cook dinner and we were going to get tipsy in the safety of my house in our pajamas. We set a time dinner would be done at 6pm and he would need to arrive prior to then. Well 5:45 rolls around and there is TM on the other line saying "Hey! I'm going to be late...I'm eating dinner with my family I will be there no later that 7pm." Needless to say I told him to kick rocks and that I was pissed. So I spent New Years alone at home because all of my girlfriends had dates and the strip was already closed at this point. LOVELY!

But I am a sucker and we rang in the new year on New Years day. AND!!!! he told me he loved me!!!!! Things progressed from that day forward we planned to go to Santa Monica for Valentines Day the whole schmooze. Well I had fallen sick the week prior to our big trip. I spent the Saturday night before in the hospital and then found out the next day the reason he didnt answer my "Hey, I am having a really hard time breathing and can't kick this fever I'll be in the emergency room," text was because he was out with another girl. Now, we were never in a relationship...but i assumed we were just seeing each other no one else...right?? [Commitment issues he had we never mad ethe title] Luckily everything could be cancelled on the Santa Monica trip except for the concert tickets I was going to surprise him with. And the kicker of all of this...that night QB called him to see if he wanted to hang with her and Bro-man since I was sick and he told her he was going on this date.

So there we go...off again and off for good after his text messages of "I wanted to love you so much but it just wasn't there" and "I wish it wasn't so in so many ways" [gag]. We have decided to be friends because we have so many mutual friends...no matter how big of a town Vegas is we are bound to run into each other at some point. 

It has been a month now and it seems we are just better off as friends. Plus the girls are glad I am back in the party scene. ;)

[The real meaning behind Tool Man...is the guy is just a mess. Was in a car accident while on the phone with me...which by the way was so scary but, no injuries occured for either parties. He broke his humerous bone while snowboarding and before that healed...went snowboarding again just to dislocate his shoulder and tear his ac. So he is Tool Man...just like Tim the Tool Man Taylor, always in the E.R.]

Back at it...maybe.

After several months of being out of commission on this whole writing deal, a couple dear friends have given many suggestions on just how to spark that passion again. My mind and heart used to rely on my love for writing to get thoughts and feelings off my mind and on to paper to be released from my soul. So I have all this built up and it needs to go on paper, but I never thought I would actually consider being an online blogger. I'm excited!

[Hopefully I will pick up on just how easy this site really is to use and that my recreational activities haven't made the most simple things to learn absolutely impossible!]

Tool Man...I have been wasting the past year and a half or so trying to date just to realize what great friends we are and the headache of his fear of commitment was just ridiculous and a nightmare to live through. He brags to friends, family, and strangers about me being a writer claiming it is the coolest thing about me. [Well thanks...you have given me a lot to write about in the future.] After I had been dormant for so long, he took me to a rock show  and voila! I am back to writing for the local entertainment magazine I was working for when we remet. [We went to high school together he was the quarterback and prom king...and i was the cheerleader's geeky younger sister and four years later we were dating.]

QB [which totally stands for Queen Bitch] has been another one who boasts about my writings. She the best friend that I fight with, we break up so it seems...in fact its worse than a break up...its a drunk cat fight in the middle of a tattoo shop on Halloween in short dresses and we don't talk for a couple months. Anyhow her boyfriend Bro-man ran a magazine out here in Vegas and is talking about starting up a new one on extreme sports and he wants be to be a writer for him [which seems so ever perfect being I want to be a sports journalist one day down the road whenever i decide to go back to college.] She has started to send me links and give me information on who is looking for writers hoping I would grasp reality and really take full advantage of all the opportunity out there.

I guess I will admit I haven't but I have definitely started to feel the bug of writing. Now if I can just get over this writer's block it will be a piece of cake.